Were we ever friends?

I thought you were my best friend!
I don't even know what to think anymore.
I can't tell if you were really being the real you around me or being the fake you.
The person you are when no one is around is who you really are.
You don't have to lie to me about were you are, hell you don't even have to tell me, but if I ask, don't give me some bull shit about your not feeling well and going home and your not with that person when you really are! A little advice, try asking that person to be quiet, that way when you TRY and lie to me that your not with them, I don't hear them in the fucking background!!
I only have a few days here. I cancelled plans to spend time with you, because you told me to! Then you are cancelling on me to hang out with the same damn people you see everyday! On top of that you know I need you more then ever right now! I thought best friends were there for eachother! I am so glad to see how much our friendship means to you! Where we even friends, or did I become friends with someone who doesn't exist?

Atlanta

So I am all moved over to Atlanta. Today was my first day at work. It went really well. my tech students make me laug so hard, and my younger students are so cute and none of them are brats, that always makes things a little bit easier. I think I can finally say I am content with where I am in life, as far as work and where I live. There is only one thing I really need to correct in my life and I know I can do it, it will just take a while, but I know it will happen. I have only been gone for like 5 days and I allready miss the people from Alabama! I mean I just got back into church and finally felt accepted again and all the sudden I had to pick up and leave. I hope we don't lose touch and things end up the way we use to be. I get to see most of them on new years so that will be fun! Julie gets married Friday and I am super excited. He is a cool dude and treats her well and I am happy that she found someone like him. It is a winter themed wedding, of course! It will be soo pretty!! I am also in love with the dress I have to wear! Life is good right now! Everything is calm and peaceful. My life hasn't been like this in a while. I can honelsy say the smile on my face isn't a mask anymore

:)

racing against the clock

When am I going to get a break?!?
I am just in this mode where I keep going and going an I can't stop!
My mind is every where and I have so much to do but not enough time! I am getting this awesome oppertunity in Atlanta but I didn't realize it would all happen this fast. Now I feel like I am racing against the clock to get moved over there! I am so stressed. I can't handle this. I am finally starting to get up off the ground when all the sudden I just don't have the strength to get up anymore. I just want to lay back down. I thought I could do all this, but it is pretty clear that I can't! Someone help! I am so tired!

who are you?

Who are you?
What happened?
You use to be this person that was so loving and caring.
You use to be the person that stood up for themselves and didn't give in to peer presure.
You use to be the person who didn't care about what other people think.
I miss you.
It's sad when the people you know, become the people you knew.

loving life :)

So right now I am loving life. Everything is going in the right direction. I have an amazing new job that is giving me more then I can ever ask for, I am gwtting a new car, I have just learned Julie is buying a house, and I couldn't ask for better friends, they have been so supportive. There are a few more things that I need to get under control but I know I can do it but it will just take some time. I am so excited and can't believe all this is happening so fast. I am going to miss everyone sooo much. Only 2 more weeks!!

?

So I got the job in Atlanta. I am so excited for it ... well I think? This is the job I have been wanting for a long time and I am extreamly happy I am getting this oppertunity! Tonight though I have been thinking. I didn't realize how much people really cared. One of the upsides (or well I thought was a upside) was that I would leave behind the the people who didn't like me. When the people found out that I was moving they actually cared about me. This whole time I guess I was just being stupid cause I thought they didn't give a damn about me. I thought I would just be leaving behind a few people that cared, I was wrong. It's going to be harder then expected. I know in the end, moving is better for me, but I am just confused right now.

why can't people just be happy?

I have this great chance to be doing what I love and have another chance! This last year I can honestly say has been complete hell! everything has gone wrong. Finally I get to work with the people that got me to where I am today! I never expected to get a chance like this! I was so happy about it. So many good things are going to come from this. But as people are finding out about the offer they don't want me to leave ... which I understand but if you could just step into my shoes for five minutes, you would see how happy I am to get this offer, how many good things will come from it, and how much better this is for me. So many people have told me I am just running away from my problems, which isn't true. When I got the offer I wasn't thinking about the drama in my life, I was thinking about how it would change my life and how this would open so many doors. So please just be happy that I got the offer, pray that it all works out. I will miss everyone a ton. But doing this is truly the better decision and will open so many doors for me. Just be happy that I get this chance, please?

family?

Everyone keeps telling me, God never gives you a load that you can't handle. Well if that's true, why can't I handle the load of my family. All I find myself doing is crying about it. I try to be a part of the family but it just feels like they just don't want me to be. I mean they are going over to Atlanta tomorrow and they know I can't go. I was talking to then this morning about it and all they had to say was, we are not going to give up going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving just because you messed up. I just walked off but I mean yeah I know I messed up but can't you give up one Thanksgiving out of state, it is just as easy for them to jump in a car and drive over here as it is for us to go over there. You are suppose to be my FAMILY, but apperently your not. What is family? I have heard so many different meanings of family. I don't even know what a family is anymore? Forget all this, this is what happens when I get bored at work and start thingking.

stupid ..

So today was basically me doing a ton of thinking about the whole atlanta thing and I really want to go now. My family is so retarded! I make a mistake in life and they yell at me for it but then they turn around and do the same fucking thing. I can't even express right now how mad I am at them. All I want is for December 6 to come quickly so I can get the job(hopefully) then get away from my family! God how did I end up with parents like this? I just want to leave now and get out of this hell hole and leave everything behind! I hate it here and I wish we never moved in the first place! I CANT WAIT FOR JANUARY!!

call of my life ..

So this morning I got the call of my life! I have been offered the chance to dance with North Atlanta Dance Theater and work at North Atlanta Dance Academy same people run it, just one is professional(theater) and the other is learing(academy). When I was younger I danced in the academy for like 4 till I was 7 and had to move. This offer means a lot to me! I have an interveiw and addition Dec 6! Of course if I get the offer, it will involve me moving back to Atlanta. I would love to move back! I have friends I have known my whole life!

UPSIDE:
atlanta is my hometown
friends i have known for life live there
i have a bunch of family there
make good money and dont have to pay for anything dance related
1 school
get new car
no work on weekends
DOWNSIDE:
leaving job here
giving up scholorship at belhaven
leaving friends here
traffic in atlanta - still hate it!
less freedom - i can get in a lot more trouble over there then i can here

I have to do some thinking! Right now it is like 60% to 40% in favor of going. I will have a car and I would be able to come back a lot of weekends. its only 2.5 hours away, some of you may say it seems like a long way but it isn't when you have made the drive as many times as I have. If I get this I will be gone by January. I would really like to get it. Please pray that everything works out.

:)

Last night was amazing! I had so much fun. The game was freezing but I still had fun! I hung out with Brandon after the game and we laughed so much! Today is good so far and I think that it will just continue to get better. Tonight is Jayden's first birthday party(actual birthday was yesterday) I cant believe it has allready been a year! Time has just passed so fast. So ya, my family decided they are going to go to ATL for Thanksgiving. It makes me so mad sometimes, they just decide to leave the state, and they know I can't go. Its like they don't even care. Whatever I am just going to use the time they are gone to relax. I have other friends that love me! :)

letting go ..

So today was a pretty good ... I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time.
I went to school today, for the whole day, another thing I havent done in a while. I hate spain park and all the drama. So ya that was the crappy part of my day. After school Mallory got here. I am so glad she is here. She always makes me happy. I can't wait to room with her next year. We just sat and talked for the past few hours about what all we are going through and gave eachother our perspective on the situation. She has helped me so much. I didnt realize how long it had been since I actually sat down and just let out what I was thinking. I have held it inside for so long and it was hurting me a lot more then I thought. It felt so good to just letting it all go. I dont know what made me open up because I never do that now a days, but I am glad I did. I feel ten times better and now I am going out to eat with Mallory before she heads back to ATL for a few days. I cant wait till she comes back again Monday.

outcast

Ever feel like you are the outcast? I hate that feeling and right now it is all I feel!
It is really scary how much things can chang over a few months! I feel like I dont belong in this place. I feel like I should give it more time, part of me just wants to leave though and act like it never happened! I know nothing is going to be the same but I just didnt think I had been gone for that long or have drifted that far away. I am completely disconnected. I don't know. I just want to walk out, all of it is just way to hard. I honestly thought I was ready to handle it but I'm not. I feel like going back into a little dark corner where no one can hurt me. I guess you can call me a quitter cause I always leave when things like this happen. I wish for once I would be able to stand strong and not move, but I'm not to that point yet.
I am just not strong enough ...

I'm sorry ...

I didn't plan on telling you the way I did.

I have been like this the whole time!

I am trying to change, I promise!

I need your help now more then ever.

I am tired of you saying I am strong! I'm not in anyway!

I fell a long time ago and I can't get up! I'm sorry!

I am sorry for lying to you! I should of told you I wasn't O.K.

I don't want to lose you! I know I made a big mistake!

I'M SORRY!

Just because she comes off strong, doesnt mean she doesn't fall asleep crying.

Even though she acts likes nothings wrong, mabey she is just good at lying.

Why?

This weekend did not turn out at all the way it was planned.

Friday night was amazing. I hung out with Anna, Emily, and Victoria. I miss them so much! Victoria and I had so much fun dancing in the back seat going down University st. in Aubrun! Haha highlight of my week!

Saturday night was a was different story. Everything just came out. I hid so much and now I dont even know what to do or say. Why did this happen? How can I be so stupid to tell? Wow I am an idiot. I know me telling is better for me, but I dont know. I wish I could take it back. You say your not mad at me. You say your are here to help. I just cant help but feel like your mad.
Why?

no time ...

Ever feel like you don't have time for all the things you want or even need to do??
My life these past few weeks have just been me going and going and going. I need a break! I feel like I dont have time to do anything! I was suppose to go to CLC tonight, but turns out I have to teach this class and now I am just stuck here bored till it starts! I was suppose to get off an hour ago, but then again I should have expected it because I have not gotten off work on the scheduled time in weeks!! I was really looking forward to going to CLC tonight. I was looking forward to starting over and trying to get back in the church and rebuild all the friendships. I was just told I have to work Sunday morning and I am really hoping I will get off in time to go to the youth! Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but sometimes I would like time to see my friends and have sometime with myself just to relax and take a deep breath. I am so mad about all this, part of me just wants to go up to my boss and be like give me sometime off to go back to church and then the other part is like, well the more I work the more money I get. What should I do?? I really hate all this!! I am so stressed out!! O well, mabey Sunday will work out for me and I will be able to go to youth!

A big mistake ...

Never though I would be here in a situation like this one ...
I have made many mistakes over the past few months, I really wish I could have a re-do. One of my biggest mistakes though was leaving a church. I was going through a hard time in life and instead of trying to lean on the people there for support, I pushed them away. I loved them very much and should not have taken them for granted. After not going for a few weeks I had a lot of phone calls and texts asking where I was, I just thought they were doing that because someone had told them to. I never answered the calls or replied to the texts. I was being stupid. About a month after leaving I went back to visit for a friend's last night. Some people were happy I was there others seemed mad that they even heard my voice. It hurt and I told myself I was not going back there ever. Next thing you know I am on the completely wrong track. I was failing school, involved in things I should not have been, I turned my backs on my friends, and started turning my back on my dream I have been working hard for. I had done the same thing when I was younger. How could I make the same mistake again? I went back one more time when I had to talk to a friend. She got me to stay for a little bit and the same thing happened, some people were happy to see me, others were completely disgusted. Did the same thing, ran off and said I was never going back. Of course that did not work. I went back one Sunday morning to help a friend, the other two times i went, it was to the youth group. This Sunday morning though, I felt welcomed. I felt like I was loved and people wanted me there, of course there was a few people who I still feel don't want me there, but it was a whole lot better then feeling like no one wanted me there. I thought about everything that happened and decided that I was acting like a fool. I never should of left. I should of stayed with the people that loved me, the amazing people that were always there for me. I made a mistake and now i am going to try and fix it. I would like to go back. I am really scared though. All these questions are going through my head ... will they accept me back? what will they say about me? will they treat me the same? are they going to love me again? I am really scared but I brought this on myself, and now i have to fix it.


IF YOU GO TO CLC: I know I have been really stupid. I apologize to all of you. If I have hurt you in any way, I am sorry. Please give me a second chance. I know when i first come back everything won't be the same but I hope we can build our friendships back up to where they use to be. I hope you will accept me back into the family. I am really sorry. I love everyone of yall.